Wednesday, March 15, 2017

Why I'm No Longer Online Dating: The Men of 2016

As a young, pretty, smart, fun-loving woman, I'll admit I'm not used to rejection when it comes to dating. Of course if it's mutual it doesn't feel like rejection; it feels like you both dodged a bullet. But after spending a year of [mostly online] dating hoping to meet someone I liked, and when I thought I might have met someone nice he turns out not to like me that much, then what? It happened too often for me to handle anymore, so I decided to delete my online dating accounts in 2017. Keep in mind none of these were serious relationships; at most we went out for several weeks, and I didn't have sex with any of them (I'm old-school that way). Here are my dating woes (mostly chronological):

1. This Navy guy ended things with me because I didn't curse like a sailor. He actually said I wasn't vulgar enough! I guess he was upset when I told him that I didn't like the word "tits." Dirty talk must be a big priority for him...

2+. Yes, I went out with a married couple (just a few dates). I thought we hit it off, but later I learned they wanted an exclusive girlfriend; they didn't like that I was online dating and seeing other people, even if nothing physical was happening with those guys. I thought that was unfair of them, seeing as they're already married, and at some point I'd like to get married, too; I couldn't marry either of them because they were already taken! So they stopped seeing me because I wouldn't be their exclusive "unicorn." Hmpf.

3. This was the one and only guy I ever met from eHarmony (the site is total rubbish; don't bother). This was one of those experiences where the first date went great. I was thinking, "Wow, we are totally clicking!" But every date after that there was less of a connection, and I started to think he wasn't interested, but then he'd ask me for another date, so I'd go. But each time he would put less effort into it, to the point that he wanted me to come over to his place for a late dinner, but I couldn't spend the night because he had a race the next day (i.e. his invitation meant "I'm hoping to have sex with you, but I don't want to travel to get it, and I don't want to cuddle afterward."). I called him out on it, saying he didn't seem that interested in me except physically, and he blew up at me and said we should just "call it quits." Yeah...definitely some issues there, and I'm actually pretty glad it didn't work out.

4. This guy is a teacher and a real estate agent who actually doesn't like either of those jobs. So that wasn't a particularly good sign, since I want to be with someone who's happy with where he's at in life. We hung out a few times, and I didn't think he was that interested. So when I tried to set him up with a friend of mine, he seemed surprised saying, "I really liked you. It just seemed like you could only hang out once a week." I was thinking, "1. You didn't act like you were that into me and 2. With our locations geographically, it was impossible to hang out more often than that." So it was almost like he was clingy but not really? Confusing.

5. This one had lived in the DC area for about six months, which he equated to as "new." I guess this meant he was incapable of using Google to plan dates. So I had to plan several of our dates; I don't mind doing that when I've known someone for a while, but when you're not even making an effort to impress me from the get-go? But, that wasn't why we stopped seeing each other. He started getting really negative (if I asked him a question, he'd say, "I don't fuckin' know"), and when I mentioned it to him, he said, "Well, I'm starting to doubt our compatibility. For example, I like to scuba dive, and you don't." WOW. I did not know scuba diving was a deal breaker, but clearly he did not see me as marriage-material due to my lack of scuba-ing abilities...

6. This middle-aged man actually had the nerve to tell me that, after several weeks of dating (AND we were friends first before that), he wanted to "keep things casual." I guess he doesn't understand that this line only works if you have the upper-hand in the relationship, and he didn't. So his plan backfired: instead of me agreeing to continue to hang out with him (and then some), I stopped seeing him entirely. He has VERY little experience with women, so I think he also doesn't realize that "I want to keep things casual" is a euphemism for, "You're not worth the time, effort, or commitment to make you my girlfriend, but you're okay for keeping in my bed." He's actually a really sweet man, so I was surprised that he ended up being one of those guys who was thinking, "I don't want to be in a relationship, but I'm not going to tell you that from the start so that we can still hang out and I can get some action in the meantime." Quite disappointing.

7. The next one wasn't so bad. But I had the sneaking suspicion that he was a smoker. His teeth were significantly yellowed, he carried a lighter with him, and he chewed gum almost incessantly. I never bothered asking because he didn't seem that interested anyway, so I wasn't really too sad when he started to cancel on me on a somewhat regular basis.

8. I will admit that we actually went out in 2017. We started chatting on OkCupid at the end of 2016, and because of my New Year's resolution, we exchanged emails to stay in touch. We chatted back and forth, but couldn't find a date to meet; we finally found a date, then he cancelled because he was sick (true? still unclear); then I was on vacation. We finally did meet, and went out twice. They were good dates: the kind that last for hours but it doesn't feel like it; we had lots in common and plenty to talk about. He then went on vacation, and POOF! Ghosted me. In my heart of hearts I knew I wouldn't hear from him after he returned from his trip. I was just hoping he'd prove me wrong, but clearly, he's just like every other guy. We even talked about how ghosting is common for online dating and how rude it is; I guess he can talk the talk, but obviously doesn't walk the walk.

And that's just the guys who I went out with for more than one date. We haven't even gotten to the one-off dates! There was "The Intellectual" (he grew up in multiple countries and speaks several languages, so very smart) who made me go dutch on a first date, and then never contacted me until months later to wish me a happy new year; I guess he's still single and was sad to be starting off the new year alone. Then there was the historian who also made me pay on a first date, even though he picked a fancy place and encouraged us to order wine AND dessert; we sort of planned a second date for drinks, for which he stood me up...yeah. Then there was one day I had two dates: I met up with a man who was 20 minutes late and spent most of the time talking about how much higher quality VCR tapes and music cassettes are compared to discs (; later that night I had dinner with a guy who talked about wanting kids, even though I clearly stated on my profile that I didn't want any (He messaged me later saying he thought we were a good fit except for that, and I'm like, "That's why I put that in my profile, so we don't have to waste our times with people we're never going to work out with..."). What about the 35-year-old divorced music teacher with an earring who just moved into a group (i.e. party) house? And the vegan who doesn't want kids but never called for a second date?

Now some of my friends think, "Wow, you get to go on so many dates! You're so lucky!" But I think we can all agree that when it comes to dating, quality is more important than quantity. And my stories show the large quantity of low-quality men there are. Hence why I've stopped online dating and dating in general. Think of the hours I've wasted, all the time I could have spent improving myself or hanging out with my friends or focusing on my faith...and instead I spent a year of my life dealing with these men who meant nothing and clearly want nothing to do with me. Hindsight is 20-20, am I right?

So here I am, alone again. Naturally.

alone love actually colin firth forever alone


  1. oh my gosh, the Chronicles of Kate!!! Reading this with Susan and we are a) impressed at how open-minded you are with meeting all different types of people, and b) you should be a humor writer (except for the fact that it was not fun to gather these crazy stories). Glad you have called it quits for 2017, to spend time doing what makes you happiest! <3

    1. Glad you liked this post! Certainly some crazy stories! We'll see what 2017 brings :)