Sunday, January 4, 2015

Movie Review: Into the Woods [SPOILERS]

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The only reason I saw Into the Woods was because my friend wanted to go. I had no interest in seeing it, so I guess I was bound to dislike this movie from the get-go. Plus, I have friends who have read the book, and they said it's really dark, so even though I've never read the story, I knew the film was not going to be true to the original, since it's a Disney movie and kids are supposed to watch it.

The main thing I hated about this movie was the singing. I suppose I should have known it would be a musical because Disney movies always include songs, but these ones were so obnoxious. They weren't nice to listen to! The songs were just annoying. The great thing about most Disney songs is that you like them so much and memorize the words and want to sing them out loud, even though you're 25 years old and haven't watched The Little Mermaid since you were 11. But I don't want to sing these songs, nor hear anyone else sing them, EVER again. 

Here is a list of the other things I didn't like:

-The baker's wife (played by Emily Blunt) cuts off several yards of Rapunzel's hair, and yet Rapunzel's Prince (played by Billy Magnussen, and yes, that's his character's name because no one could think of a real name to give him) is able to climb up to visit her just as easily as before. And when the witch realizes the prince has been visiting Rapunzel (played by Mackenzie Mauzy), she cuts off the long hair, but then they both somehow manage to leave the tower even though there are no doors or windows in the tower. If the witch can come and go as she pleases (which she does throughout the movie in a puff of smoke), then why did she have to climb up the tower using her "daughter's" braid in the first place?
-The witch (played by Meryl Streep) freaks out that her neighbor stole six magic beans from her. And yet later in the movie she's throwing around magic beans like she's got hundreds of them. So what made those first six so special anyway?

Sexual innuendos:
-The scene between Johnny Depp as the wolf and Lilla Crawford (who?) as Little Red Riding Hood is so Lolita. He talks about fresh, plump flesh and his desires...He doesn't want to eat her, he wants to have sex with a little girl!
-Jack (played by Daniel Huttlestone) talks (or sings, rather) about visiting the giants in the sky, and mentions nuzzling the breast of the female giant. He sucked the teat of a giant! Ew!
-The baker's wife totally gets it on with Prince Charming (Chris Pine). In the song she claims they just kissed, but everybody knows they did it up against a rock in the woods.
-And you know Rapunzel and her prince had sex on the floral canopy bed in that tower. Don't be naïve...

Random thoughts:
-How much make-up did they have to put on Meryl Streep to make her look young again?

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 -Why did the princes scene (Pine cannot sing, btw) make me think of a America's Next Top Model photo shoot?
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-And Pine is NOT sexy with that beard. In Star Trek, he is downright gorgeous. In this movie? He looks like the missing link... And Magnussen looks freakin' possessed with the bleach-blonde hair and light blue eyes. I thought princes were supposed to be handsome, not borderline weird.
-Why on earth did they have to make Little Red Riding Hood scream SOOO loudly?! God, the shout practically shattered my eardrums!
-Anna Kendrick looks nothing like Cinderella (especially since we saw the trailer for the new Disney version of Cinderella right before seeing this film, and it shows a blonde [without ginormous teeth] as the character). And I wish she'd just stick to singing in the Pitch Perfect movies. Ugh...gag.
-How come we never get to see the inside of the prince's castle during the "festival" (i.e. ball)? Was the movie already running over budget and couldn't afford to create a set so we could see the dance? And why does Cinderella wear the same dress THREE nights in a row? How tacky. I guess Disney couldn't afford other dresses, either.
-Did anyone else notice that all of the main characters in this movie are white? Disney clearly didn't think about diversity when making this movie...Shame on them. 
-Any time the stepsisters (played by Tammy Blanchard and Lucy Punch) came onscreen, all I could think of was Punch in Bad Teacher looking like a squirrel (GIF found here: 

Probably the only good thing about this movie was the casting for Depp and Streep. Depp is always up for playing the creepy dude, and Streep's prominent nose and chin make her look like a witch naturally. (Sorry, Meryl, I've just never found you particularly attractive.)

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  1. Dearest Kathryn,

    I find you have ventured into the woods and veered from the path. As you have so vividly described in your sparkling review, the disney corporation has made such an egregious error in including large amounts of singing in their feature film. Nevermind the fact that Into the Woods the movie is a stage to film adaption of the famous Steven Sondheim musical that has multiple tony awards.

    I know you were also quite disappointed by the lack of grandeur in the prince's castle and cinderella's dress (cinderella is based off of the European folktale not the disney princess so her dark hair and large orthodontia is not applicable... See original folktale= cendrillion: French, cenerentola: Italian and Aschenputtel: German) However the musical is named Into the Woods not Into the castle and onto the red carpet.

    Also, the lack of names for the princes is a most likely a commentary on how the idea of Prince Charming is what is enchanting not the man underneath. Having no name keeps him on a pedestal as something you 'wish' for, therefore an idea of Prince Charming not the man.

    Finally, about the inconsistencies of the film. You seem like a disney lover, so for heaven sakes... It's obviously disney magic.

    I'm glad we could have this talk.

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