Playlist of my last break-up

Okay, so my last break-up was extensive. It was an on-again-off-again situation for more than two years, ranging from platonic friendship to friends with benefits to briefly getting back together in a relationship. I know it wasn't healthy (for either of us), but we still cared about each other (and honestly, neither of us had many other viable options). A couple of months ago, things ended for real this time. We haven't spoken, and it's definitely weird. On the one hand, I know it's for the best, because where we were at, a finale was inevitable; we were hurting each other more often than we were making each other happy. But on the other, it's very strange knowing someone from 4+ years, speaking (or at least emailing or texting) every day, to going full-on cold turkey, potentially never to see him again. I never imagined him not being a part of my life; he was my best friend. But being in a mixed-up relationship wasn't good for me or for him, so what needed to happen finally happened.

We all know that love and relationships are the main inspiration for most songs out there, and as a country music fan, there are a lot of songs out there that speak to me. There are a few that really stand out in my mind, because they were released at the same time I was feeling those same emotions (or I imagine my ex was). These songs almost represent chapters of the stages of this long-winded break-up, and I still feel some of those emotions even today. 

Kelsea Ballerini's "Peter Pan"

Even before we actually broke up (the first time), what started leading toward the downward spiral was my boyfriend's ambition. He wanted to start his own company, and he quit his job so he could dedicate himself to his project full-time. I am the kind of person who needs stability to be happy, and as soon as I knew he didn't have a job, emotionally I took a step back. I couldn't let myself fall any further in love with someone if I couldn't picture a future with him; I couldn't see myself staying with someone who could put the future at risk for his dreams. I felt that, as an older man, he should be at the most stable point of his career (and life), but this was the exact opposite direction; these were the actions of a young man right out of school with big dreams and no responsibilities or dependents. That's what really scared me: I know he would have made the same decision even if we had been married, or further, had children together. He still would want to chase after his dreams and expect those around him to support him, without thinking about the implications his actions would have on the lives of other people. There is no way I could have supported the two of us on my non-profit salary! And I wasn't willing to live the penny-pinching lifestyle that this career decision demanded: eating frozen pizza and staying in most nights and giving up the luxury of going to the ballet or concerts was not my dream and not how I wanted to live my life (alone or with a partner). He was like Peter Pan, with his "head up in the clouds," without realizing that his pie-in-the-sky goal wasn't realistic, especially if he hoped to have another person in his life.

Brett Young's "Like I Loved You"

Of course I shouldn't speak for him, but I feel like this song might sum up how my ex is feeling now. At one point in our relationship, I did tell him that I wanted to see other people while still seeing him, and after we broke up but were still friends, I was dating other people (for relatively short amounts of time). I know a lot of people say you can't be friends with your ex, and I didn't want to believe that; he and I have so much in common that I didn't want the fact that we weren't dating to mean we had to lose all contact. But by the end, he may have been feeling like this song: "I don't want to be friends...You never loved me like I loved you."

And I do think the latter part is true. He told me he had never been in love with someone before me. But I had been in love before, and while that relationship ended very badly, while we were in love, it was a much healthier, supportive relationship than the one I had with this current ex. While I was able to fall in love again, it wasn't the same, and as this most recent relationship deteriorated, he made me feel negative things (mainly about myself) that would have never happened with my previous boyfriend. I remember telling him, "I know what love is, and this isn't it." Our ideas of love, and what we need out of a relationship, are very different. He would always say, "I'm never going to break up with you," and to him, that was the biggest sign of love any person could give to another (i.e. saying I want to be with you forever). But that isn't enough for me; a man who beats his wife can tell her the same thing, and we can all agree that that isn't love. So, no, I never loved him like he loved me, because our definitions of love are not the same.

Walker Hayes' "You Broke Up with Me"

This is another song that I think might resonate with my ex. I think he is/was hoping that I would come back and grovel, saying I was sorry for not being everything he ever wanted in a woman and begging for him to take me back. Now I will say I am sorry about some things: I'm sorry I took him for granted (especially when he would take the time to help me with things like my car or shoveling snow); I'm sorry I made our time together fit into my "productivity schedule," like hanging out with him was just something to check off on my to-do list. But I'm not sorry I broke up with him, and I'm not going to "crash his party" or "rain on his Mardi Gras parade" like in the song. I hope that he's doing well and having a good time, and maybe he's even met someone. I don't wish anything bad upon him, but I certainly don't want him back.

Cole Swindell's "Break Up in the End"

Even though the relationship inevitably ended, I don't regret being with him. Like the song above suggests, I would still go out with him, fall for him, introduce him to my parents, etc., even if I had a crystal ball that predicted the break-up. You learn a lot from each relationship you're in, and that's why I don't regret it. I confirmed my belief that financial stability is a top priority for my own lifestyle, and therefore must be for my partner as well. I also learned that it is more important for someone to respect you than love you. And while I joke that I want a male version of me, this man was very similar to me, and clearly it didn't work; you can't both want to be the catch, and you can't both have your way all the time. He and I are both very self-centered (he would deny it on his part, but I am self-reflective and acknowledged my selfishness to myself more than a decade ago), and that just won't work in a relationship, ever. But again, I don't wish I never met him or wish I had ended things sooner, even if I knew it would end (and I sort of already did). 

Little Big Town's "Better Man" (written by Taylor Swift)

This is the song that really hits home for me. "I wish you were a better man/I wonder what we could've become/ if you were a better man/we might still be in love/If you were a better man/you could have been The One." Those lyrics take the words right out of my mouth. If he had his career situation handled; if he didn't make a scene in public when he got poor customer service; if he didn't disagree with me just for the sake of his need to be right all the time; if he were willing to negotiate more in our relationship; if he were willing to be a team instead of insisting he be the star of the show (If you haven't seen Chris Rock's new Netflix special, he has a bit about how in a relationship, sometimes you're the lead singer, but sometimes you have to play the tambourine, and when you do, you play the hell out of that tambourine. Yeah, this guy NEVER would have played the tambourine in our relationship).

But we were best friends, and there were times (even when things were strictly platonic) that we were so in sync and just loved being together. I roughly calculated that we argued (or at the very least he made me upset about something) about one out of every five times we hung out, which is 20%. Yes, that means 80% of the time (i.e. most of the time) we got along great, but in school, that's a B- grade. I don't want to settle for a B- relationship! But I definitely used to think, if he could just change a few behaviors and get on the same page as me, he could be The One; we would still be in love and together.

But he's not a better man. He's him. And I know it's hard for people to change, and it's true what they say about teaching an old dog new tricks. He's just lived the bachelor lifestyle for too long and is too set in his ways to be able to fit someone into his life while molding (even just a little bit) to fit into hers. And I don't condone trying to change your partner for the sake of changing that person into someone else. BUT I do think that you should be able to change your partner for the better, and vice versa. That's where the expression "my better half" comes from: your partner makes you a better whole, and you do the same for your partner. But he didn't think he needed to be a better man for me, and clearly I didn't rub off on him at all to become the man I needed. And if you aren't willing to become the best version of yourself for your partner, than you shouldn't be in a relationship, period.

Strawberry Banana Sour Cream Breakfast Cake

Image found here

I had a slow weekend, and whenever I don't have any plans, I usually bake something. I had a mushy banana, some strawberries that were about to turn, and sour cream I needed to use up. And with those ingredients, Google gave me this recipe from the blog Flour Me with Love.


Ingredients:
1/2 C butter, softened 
3/4 C brown sugar
1 egg
1 tsp. vanilla
2 C flour
2 tsp. baking powder
1/4 tsp. salt
1/2 C sour cream
1 banana, mashed
1/4 C strawberry preserves
4 large strawberries, diced small
1-2 Tbsp. sugar

Directions:


1. Preheat oven to 350° F; grease an 8 x 8″ baking pan.
2. Cream the butter and brown sugar together.

3. Beat in the egg and vanilla.

4. Mix in 1 cup of flour, baking powder and salt.

5. Mix in the sour cream and banana.

6. Mix in the strawberry preserves and the remaining cup of flour.

7. Fold in the diced strawberries.

8. Pour into prepared pan and sprinkle the sugar on top.

9. Bake for 40-45 minutes; until a toothpick in the center comes out clean.

10. Allow to cool for about 15 minutes before serving.

I think the only change I made was that I didn't have strawberry preserves per se, just some strawberry jam/jelly from Trader Joe's. But otherwise I stuck to the recipe, and this cake came out great (plus, it was easy to get out of the pan, which is always helpful)! The cake is a little dense (probably because of the banana), so be forewarned about that. But I wouldn't serve it just for breakfast; this would be delicious any time!

Nederlands Dans Theater

A few weeks ago (sorry for the delayed post), I saw a performance by the Nederlands Dans Theater for the first time. From the photos I saw online, I knew the show would be modern dance as opposed to ballet, so I was prepared to not like it. But I was pleasantly surprised!

The performance was divided into three different parts:

1. Shoot the Moon

 

The description of this piece said we would see the many emotions that play a part in relationships. The set was divided into three rooms, and the people in the rooms represented different relationships. The first room seemed to hold a loving relationship; the second showed a couple in conflict; and in the third was a man alone (although he was later joined by one of the "wives" from the other rooms). Doors and a window connected the rooms (the dancers could move in between the rooms that way), and the set would spin so we could see into each room. There were clear story lines happening, which I appreciated; I knew what the piece was trying to say.

But the modern dance aspects that were incorporated into this piece were my least favorite part. There were a lot of "karate chops" or arm movements that mimicked storks' necks; my friend described modern dance as "bendy knees and flat feet," which totally fits what was happening here. Dancers would make weird faces (like in the photos above), and one guy even shouted! In dance normally no one speaks. These parts took me out of the moment of enjoying dance and instead made me think, "What am I watching?" I equate dance with grace, and those awkward movements are NOT graceful.

The music written by Philip Glass was fantastic. It is very romantic, and all I could wonder was how beautiful the dance would have been to this song had Christopher Wheeldon been the choreographer. I love Wheeldon's work (read more about that in this previous blog post), and I think he would have done the music more justice.

Here's a clip of the performance (the shirtless man, Jorge Nozal, is so muscular, and he's going to be 40 this year!):

And here's a video of the music on its own:

2. The Statement

This is probably the most unique piece of dance I have ever seen. Instead of music, the dancers were moving to a script that was read aloud (taped, of course). The scene looked like people in some sort of conference room discussing a war conflict. They danced mostly around the table, but sometimes on top or under it, and they could easily slide upon its smooth surface. Tying the speaking with the dancing told a story that was easy to understand. Dance on its own can sometimes be hard to interpret, but with the spoken words, you could follow along and know what was happening.

Here's a video clip to give you an idea of just how different this piece is from any other modern dance performance:

The movements were staccato, matching the abrupt, short sentences of the script; each movement changed in a jerky but controlled way as each character "spoke." Their movements were so in sync with the dialog: the dancers couldn't "half-ass" the movements, but had to be very precise to produce the right effect.

The characters and costumes were quite androgynous. Both the men and women wore slacks and button-down shirts, and the women wore their hair up. If it weren't for the female voices on the tape, you may have thought all of the dancers were men. 

 
The most distracting thing was not part of the dance, but rather the audience! Many members of the audience thought moments of the script and the matching movements from the dancers were funny, and they laughed out loud! The characters were "discussing" war; how is that funny? It was clear the viewers completely missed the point. I'm sure all of the dancers were thinking, "Only stupid Americans would think this was funny." I was almost embarrassed to be part of the audience, because it was clear how uneducated or uncultured so many of these people were.

3. Singulière Odyssée

The synopsis of this piece explained that the dancers represented people waiting at an art deco train station. I'm not sure if I would have figured this out on my own. With the explanation, it seems obvious, but without it, I don't think I would have said the setting fit the art deco look, and I may have seen just a costume, not a conductor's uniform (see the photo below).

This was the only piece of the three where I felt like the costumes were actually costumes as opposed to just clothes. Many of the men were wearing dresses, and my friend and I loved the different jacket dresses the women had on. We wanted to wear them ourselves!

Here's the trailer for this piece:

Again, the modern dance movements are not my favorite, and without the synopsis in the program, I would not have known what I was watching. (Let's be honest: even with the synopsis, I was still left thinking, "I'm confused. These people are waiting for a train...? Why are they so intense about it?") I can appreciate this as a piece of art, but it was not as beautiful as other dances I have seen.

None of the pictures above show this, but toward the end of this piece, autumn leaves started falling from the ceiling! The dancers were moving through, on, and among the leaves, which was really pretty. I was afraid someone might slip on the leaves, but everyone was fine.

Such an interesting night of dance! These pieces definitely gave me a lot to think about!

All of the photos are from this page on the Kennedy Center's website: http://www.kennedy-center.org/calendar/event/DSDSG#tickets