Friday, December 7, 2018

Advice for the last guy I dated


So, I recently broke up with someone whom I had been seeing for a few months. Even though he's a 30 year-old man, I soon realized he was actually a man-child. Though I'm sure he'll never read this post, here are some tips that he (and many other men) could use:

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1. Red wine goes with beef. White wine goes with chicken and fish. No exceptions. Oh, and you should drink wine out of a wine glass, not a mason jar.


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2. The Lions and Cowboys play football on Thanksgiving every year. This has been the case for decades. So don't ask who's playing that day; you should already know half the answer already.

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3. Many of the most popular Christmas songs were written by Jews, including Winter Wonderland, It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year, and more. So if you're Jewish, don't claim you're a "good Jew" by hating on Christmas music.

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4. Don't tell me to send you a sexy selfie. If I want to send you a pic, I'll send you a pic. And don't do that creepy high school move where, when we're kissing, you try to push my hand into your crotch. If I want to touch your dick, I'll touch your dick! Oh, and no dry humping. Ever.


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5. Don't text your friends or read the news on your phone while you're on a date. That just shows that you'd rather be somewhere else with someone else rather than the girl you're with. And don't use your phone when you think she's not looking, like when she's talking to the waiter (Just because her main attention is on something else doesn't mean she doesn't notice.). Put your phone on silent and put it away. Better yet, leave it in the car or your bag for the entirety of the date.

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6. Foot the bill. I know I'm old-fashioned on this, but when you take a girl out to dinner, you should plan to pay for her meal. If she insists on going Dutch, that's one thing. But just like girls "make the reach" (even if they don't mean it), you should offer to pay, too.

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7. On that note, learn how to balance your check book (or at the very least monitor your account online regularly). You should never have a zero dollar balance or even come close to it! And you should sign up for a credit card; you should have done so the moment you got a real, full-time, adult job. How are you ever going to buy a car or house, or get a loan, if you haven't built up any credit?

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8. Be respectful to strangers who are nice to you. It's one thing to be an asshole to a jerk (although that's still unattractive). It's another to be rude to someone who has never done you wrong. You never know if you'll cross paths again, or if they know someone you know... Nothing good comes out of you acting like a self-centered prick.
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9. Attempt (succeed, actually) in sweeping a woman off her feet emotionally and intellectually before trying to do so physically. If there's no established connection between you two outside of the bedroom, there certainly isn't going to be one in the bedroom. Telling someone you want to "fuck" her and asking if she's on birth control before you've even discussed where you both were in the relationship and how you were feeling is just insensitive (and disgusting, quite frankly). Otherwise, it's clear that sex for you isn't an intimate connection with someone; it's just a biological response to being with a female human. There is nothing sexy about you thinking with your primitive brain. Evolve, man.

*Apologies for all the animal humping videos. But that kinda sums it up...

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