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I liked this book at first. The introduction includes the author's life experiences that have led her to the thesis that our culture makes all women out to be sex objects. I can get behind this idea: I think every woman can relate to being cat called, stared at, or touched without giving consent. Later in the book she makes a few more good points. I especially enjoyed this line: "Ignoring men - whether romantically or rhetorically - is existential violence to them." Men want women to acknowledge they exist (and then some), but a lot of men won't reciprocate in recognizing women as human beings with human rights. She also writes that, in dealing with men like this, that women "perform [their] strengths, sense of humor, and personality so that it is palatable, easily consumed in small, sweet, bite-sized pieces." I agree with this, too. I'm not one for mind-games, but when dealing with men, sometimes you just play the part they expect you to: demure and not too opinionated, smart but not too smart, agreeable at all times. Men don't have to perform to be seen or heard the way that women do. Valenti also brings up the good point, that as a feminist, there's a catch-22: you're seen as a bitter, angry femi-Nazi if you bring up feminist ideas in a setting like a protest, but if you write a book on feminism and give book talks in a dress and heels, then you're a sell-out and not a REAL feminist. As feminists, we can't win either way: no matter what we do or say, women won't be seen as equal to men.
But in general I didn't like this book, because most of it is really just Valenti talking about all the crappy things that men have done or said to her. And I am not a victim blamer, but some of the crappy things that happened to her happened, at least in part, due to her own bad decisions. For one, she dates men who are shitty to her even before she starts dating them. She didn't have to go out with these men! If a man is rude or disrespectful to me, I call him out on it and then don't give him the time of day. She also lost her virginity to a man who wanted to sleep with her, not because he was in love with her, but because he was three years her senior and wanted to get his virginity over and done with before he turned 17; not the kind of guy you want to have sex with, let alone for the first time. She also seems to drink a lot and definitely did plenty of drugs; she even writes that she thought that doing cocaine was a "decent idea." When is cocaine ever a decent idea? Of course the man she was dating who introduced her to the cocaine was a bad boyfriend because HE WAS ADDICTED TO COCAINE. She also writes about how she failed out of Tulane her freshman year because she wasn't going to class; she said she wasn't sure "what she was supposed to do." Umm...go to class? Because classes are what you go to college for...? So instead of going to class she goes out with men who don't treat her well, probably because they can see what little respect she has for herself.
Valenti also makes comments that only hurt the idea of feminism. She herself claims that she's a "good girlfriend" for giving a man head as he's driving. That doesn't make you a good girlfriend; it just makes you someone who likes doing dangerous things. And if she doesn't actually like it, then she shouldn't do it. No where does she mention someone holding a gun to her head to do something like that. She's a hypocrite, too. She writes about these men who cheated on her (or whom she suspected of cheating), and yet she straight out writes that she cheated on many of her boyfriends and wasn't remorseful. How are we as a society supposed to tell men that it's wrong to cheat on women, that it makes women feel like sex objects, if women are doing the same thing? I realize we want an equal society, but we should be equal in making society better for everyone, not worse. At the end of the book she includes several disgusting emails or tweets that you received over time, most of which include things like "F*ck you," "you should die," "get back in the kitchen where you belong," those kinds of things. No one should receive horrible messages like this, but including them in your book is giving those ideas validity; the people who sent them will know their messages had an impact. I realize the saying, "sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me," is a bit archaic, but we can't allow the anonymity of the digital realm to rule us.
It's understandable that Valenti has a low self-esteem; many women in our society do. We're told over and over again by the media that we're not pretty enough, not skinny enough, not good enough. And a lot of women will date a man, any man, because being with someone, even if he's a terrible person, is better than being alone, since our society to this day still portrays young, unmarried women as spinsters. And a lot of women make bad choices because, as women, we feel like nothing we do matters or that we can't make a different for ourselves (or others). But making poor choices won't help you have a higher self-esteem, just the opposite. It's not okay that these men were crappy to her, but maybe if she hadn't dated men whom she knew were assholes to begin with, and if she had given herself value rather than basing her value on what others thought of her, she wouldn't have been in such crap situations. I'd rather be a spinster, thank you very much.
By the way, if you haven't read it yet, a GREAT book that I highly recommend is Spinster by Kate Bolick. It's all about reclaiming that word to be proud of being a strong, independent, successful, single woman. Amen to that! I also highly recommend The Feminist Mystique by Betty Friedan. A feminist classic!
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